*Warning Long Post Ahead*
I can’t believe it has come down to this moment in my life where I genuinely feel scared of men. Every morning I go to College about two hours earlier than when my first class starts so that I can get some scripture study as well as review my notes that I took the week before. I have been going to the library since I started Public School, it is where I feel comfortable but now I think I won’t be coming back anytime soon.
When I am studying I normally block out everything from the world and all I can focus on for awhile is my notes or whatever I may be studying but this guy has some short of creepy thing about him that made me wary since he stepped foot near me. Lemme tell you guys this truthfully. I look like I’m about 14 maybe 16 on a good day and I have no idea why any guy would ever be attracted to me. I can’t even begin to explain how creepy this guy is. I feel like he emits a foul aura and everywhere he steps is covered in slime.
So I might as well start from the beginning. First day of school, I’m nervous as my body will allow after a little while this guy who is about 5’9-5’10 sits on the couches with tables near me. I thought nothing of it and that my initial judgement of him was completely wrong that maybe he just wanted to get some studying in too. All he had on him was a pink phone, a bunch of post-it notes and a pencil. Again I didn’t want to make assumptions, I mean he might not have anything at home and he spent all of his money so that he could further his education. I should of trusted myself more. This guy never sat is one spot by himself for long, he was either pacing around the Library or trying to talk to some girls who I thought were his friends or something. That’s when it all started, he would every so often look at me and smile, it was such a sly smile that I couldn’t decipher what was happening. He would try to get me to talk to him or go sit with him but me being me I had my headphones in and trying so hard not to look his way so that he wouldn’t know that I knew he was there. Now this was just the first day and since I only get to the library that early on Tuesdays and I needed to get to class I was so hopeful that he wouldn’t come near me again.
Actually I feel like I kept lying to myself, I knew what this guy was doing and I was beyond scared. This kind of thing has never happened to me before, I have never had anyone follow me to my classes, never had anyone constantly ask for my number or try in someway for my skin to have contact with his. I didn’t know what to do and I don’t have friends in College yet that I can confide in or that I can have near me to protect me.
Today was the last straw. I couldn’t take it anymore. So it started off pretty normal, I studied Preach my Gospel before moving on to reading some of the Book of Mormon and enjoying a little peace and quiet before the start of a busy school day. Thankfully when I am focused on the Gospel nothing else exists in the world. It is just me and the Lord, but today I knew something was off. I could feel this guy looking for me, since I moved from where I was at the last time. As soon as I noticed him I quickly took off my CTR ring and switched it to the other hand, hoping with all my heart that somehow he wouldn’t go for a girl who already has a guy. I should of known better. Just like last time it started off small with a genuine smile this time and a small wave. Again me being me I gave him a slight wave and went straight back to whatever I was doing, which at the time was trying to memorize a chart for Bio Lab. He didn’t stop there though. He moved to a different couch and I thought that I was safe that he got the clue and that I don’t want to be anywhere near him. I continued on with my way making sure all of my homework was done before I needed to go to class.
That’s when it all started again. I could see him smirking at me from the corner and immediately I knew something was wrong. He was on his phone much like the rest of the people in the Library and he went on to another Blonde near by, just sitting next to her. I felt so bad for those girls but I actually was happy, this guy wasn’t looking at me anymore, he wasn’t paying attention to me anymore that was until those girls left and I was back to where I started. I ignored every single thing he did and tried to make sure that he didn’t notice that I was watching his every move, my senses heightened in this unfamiliar circumstance. He stalked towards me and with every pound his foot made I felt like the temperature in the library decreased rapidly. He sat down next to me. I don’t think I could of been more scared in any moment in my life then what I felt as soon as he looked my way. It felt like I couldn’t breath that his intimidating figure bore down on the 5’1 me. I felt young, scared, and helpless. He probably sat there for no longer than 5 min, but to me those 5 min felt hours long as my heart rate quickened and my sense became aware of every slight movement from him. It felt like I couldn’t breath, that every breath I took was stained with the essence of who this guy was and how he made me feel. I don’t know why he suddenly got up and left but I was ever grateful for what ever caused him to.
You would think that with everything that happened the scariest part was over. One of my worst fears actually occurred.
This sweet Lady who was on one of the computers near me saw this man and she saw what I didn’t. She came up to me and said words that I fear will haunt me for years to come
“Did you know that man was filming you?”
Instantly pure panic filled my body as I realized why this man kept his distance for so long. He was watching me, more than I was watching him. He violated my rights and my safety was gone. I was suddenly caught alone, with no one to help me and a guy who has been following me, videoing me, and I fear much worse, only a few feet away. I can’t tell you how quickly I packed up my stuff and exited this Library, my body physically shaking from terror, I could feel the tears starting to form has my body was being overwhelmed with fright. I honestly don’t know what is going to happen to me anymore, this guy who follows me to all of my classes and somehow finds me every day. I don’t know what I should do anymore. I need to find somewhere on this campus that no one knows about where I can just sit and feel safe. It is times like this I realize how harsh the real world is and how it was only a matter of time before something like this was going to happen to me. I just didn’t think it would be when I am 18, not when I am still so young to be taken advantage of. I see now that this is a common occurrence for girls, and it never should be.
I now know why girls feel objectified and why so many of us are scared of guys and what they might do to us, because to this day I still don’t know what will happen to me. From now on though I can say one thing.
I am now scared of guys.
‘Till next time